So, I'm not going to lie. This last week has not been the best week for me. In fact, there was very little that I did like about it. I found myself depressed most of the time. The events themselves are really not of importance, and they probably would have just blown over had they occurred at a different time or with a different presentation. The real problem of my depression is that the actual mood it puts me in. My mood makes the actual event, whether bad or good, tainted by a down attitude. So basically, it is not necessarily the event or encounter, that affect whether or not I go into depression, but rather, it is my depressed mood that sets the mould for the encounters and events that happen every day.
I'm not a super whiny person when I am depressed, although, at times, I guess I can be depending on how oblivious I am to my condition. This week I was very conscious and aware of how I was feeling. I can always tell when I am depressed, because I sleep any time I get, away. Sometimes I feel like If I can just wake up in another moment or on a different day the problem will just go away. I am always wrong in thinking this, but I find myself naturally repeating the same course. What I have found, is that "depression sleep" is not real sleep. I always wake up tired and even more emotionally drained than before. I honestly think that when I am depressed, and sleep, I never actually intend to wake up feeling rested or magically better; I just want to waste time.
That is basically what depression does to me. It wastes my time. I often walk around like a shell of myself and I watch my life play out like a movie. When I say "movie" I don't mean a super suspenseful and really interesting one. I mean the kind of movie that you just want to scream to the screen at the main character to wise up and realize the obvious. Sort of, as if you know something the main character doesn't know. That type of annoyance is most likely felt by people who are around me. When I am just a shell of a person I basically, have no part in the decision making of my own life. someone has to make those decisions, even if I feel I can't be bothered.
It is so true that depression effects everyone. So, its not just me or what I feel and want in this world. I affect other people, like my family and team-mates. Attitude is so important. Depression happens and sometimes you can validate it as necessary, but all in all, I have realized ( and I often have to keep reminding myself of this) that I have to get over it and keep moving on. It is important to aim forward, because I cant change the past, and I can't keep living in certain moments, or stay put, because life will leave me behind. Even the richest man can't afford to waste time. I need to try and remember that with God, things just have a way of working out. So today, I am starting over with a positive attitude and just going from there. Making my only aim forward, and keeping hope alive.
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